Life is happening to me and I don’t hate it.

I’m realizing so many things about myself and other people. For one, if people want to hang out with you they will make the effort. I have taken a more passive approach and have not texted or messaged any of my “friends” that don’t do the same. It’s not that I am not willing to put in effort it’s just that I always put in the effort so this time I’m taking it easy. I think for me I expect too much from people. I expect them to contact me everyday when realistically they have their own shit to deal with. I’m everyone else knows that but for I wonder why they haven’t texted/messaged me in two days or something. I don’t know maybe I’m thinking about it too much and I’m just going to wait for people to invite me to places. I’m always trying to organize shit and for the most part it happens but I need to save money and focus on me.

Something else I’ve noticed is that when it comes to men, women will most likely choose them over their friends or at least want to spend more time with their men. I have never understood this. Maybe I haven’t found anyone who I’m “head over heels for”. It’s just so wrong to me but I guess that’s how it is when we get older. We need to focus on finding a partner, starting a family. That sort of shit. Anyways, I’m understanding now and starting to not give a shit. I’m not angry just struggling to understand because I really want to.

On a more positive note, this past weekend I went to Wando beach. It was pretty chill. I didn’t know most of the people but that was okay. I played a lot of volleyball which was nice. I wasn’t as good as in high school. But when I think about it, was I even good in high school? Anyways, I think that’s the only sport I actually enjoy. Maybe basketball too. We drank, ate, danced. At one point there was a little concert going on and we invaded it. It was pretty hilarious. The band was made up of middle aged men and the audience young ladies. After I went back to the area we were staying and this guy Randall toe attacked me. Me, him, and this other guy Hamish started to toe attack eachother. It was so funny and awkward but the next day I had so many bruises on my legs. I must practice and get Randall back. That shit hurt but of course I kept trying instead of realizing I was losing. Towards the end of the night everyone gathered by the fire and Julia played the guitar and I sang. We sang a lot of lady gaga songs which was nice. I did so many things that I really enjoyed. I went to sleep around 3 am which was shocking. I was pretty sure we would all stay up til the sun rose which would have been lovely.

The next day I was well hungover and got sick plenty of times which is so annoying. I honestly don’t think I drank that much. I’m so over being hungover everytime! Can there be a time where I’m not hungover? Anyways, all we day the next day was sun bath and swim. It was pretty sweet. I didn’t want to leave but we left around 4 and got back to Gwangju around 7 so it wasn’t too bad. I got a nice little tan and a little red too. I never get red. Overall, it was a pleasant weekend and I’m looking forward to this weekend in Busan. More sun, more tanning to be done!

Lady Gaga AND the Vagina Monologues

   On the KTX on my way to Seoul to see the Lady Gaga and I’m so excited, Days before the actual date I would tear up just thinking about it and now it’s finally happening.  We arrive around 3 pm and made our way to Itaewon and went to this South African restaurant for some chicken pie and this sausage. It was very good but very expensive. But I have to remind myself that foreign food in Korean is overpriced. The Hunter’s beer was very good though. We then made our way to a motel on hooker hill. It was quite shabby but would get the job done. We got ready and my costume looks fantastic. My friend James made the entire costume using a shower curtain my mother sent from the U.S. It had huge hips jutting out. It was fantastic. Several things I did not think about though were the staples and the plastic sticking to my skin. Throughout the night it got better but on the train it was awful. We should have just taken a cab!

We arrive at the venue and it was not as chaotic as I would have thought. Just got in the line for my name and got my ticket. All four of us enter through my gate. I bought tickets in a different area than the other 3 so I was nervous I would have to sit alone but it turned out okay. We sat up top on the right side facing the stage. They weren’t ground, standing seats but I guess it turned out for the best because people said they had to jump and strain to see her. Although I was far physically I was right there with Lady Gaga. I danced so much! The people I was with were very dry and sat the whole time!? My friend My Tran was there as well so we met up at the center and danced for a few songs. Should have gone with her but she is from a different town than me. I was embarrassed because there were some songs I didn’t know! But by the end of the song I knew it. That’s what I love about Gaga, her songs her simple at first glance but there is so much meaning behind it. It’s great for fans because they can learn the songs and know them all! Her dance moves as well are great but also quite simple, all the better for us to learn them and dance with her. Here is the set list :

HIGHWAY UNICORN[ROAD TO LOVE]

GOVERNMENT HOOKER

BORN THIS WAY

BLOODY MARY

BAD ROMACE

-SPEECH-

FASHION OF HIS LOVE

THE QUEEN

JUST DANCE, LOVE GAME, TELEPHONE, JUST DANCE (MEDLEY)

HEAVY METAL LOVER [MOTORCYCLE]

BAD KIDS

HAIR [ACUOSTIC]

YOU AND I

ELECTRIC CHAPEL

AMERICANO

JUDAS

POKER FACE

Scheiße

THE EDGE OF GLORY [ACUSTIC+AUDIO]

MARRY THE NIGHT

-THE END-

 

She came out in her meat dress and it was awesome! I didn’t think she would. She wore it at the awards in 2010 and two years later she’s still rocking it. Time flies! It basically symbolizes how the people are treated like pieces of meat. Simple as that! I wasn’t going to mention it but I guess I will because I think it’s cute and funny. I cried, when she came out with Born This Way. It just made me think that I have done most of what I’ve set out for and nothing can stop me from going forward.

 

Looking back now, I missed a lot of the actual show because I was dancing so much but there will be more shows that I will go to. The show ended at 10pm but we got back to the motel at 12 am and finally went to bed at 2 am. I barely slept and woke up at 6:30 am. Thank god I slept a little on the train because our opening night of the Vagina Monologues was at 7pm. I was exhausted but I feel like an I did a good job with my monologues ‘Hair’ and ‘Reclaiming Cunt’.  Everyone did such an amazing job, I watched from the crack of the door. My favorite monologues (besides mine) are ‘Because he liked to look at it’ and ‘My Angry Vagina’. I definitely think I will try acting more; it’s very exciting and nerve racking at the same time. 

 

Now that I think of it Lady Gaga and I felt the same way about our shows. At her concert she mentioned being worried that a lot of people would not show up and accept her show but it turned out better than what she expected. Same goes for me, at first I was confident that many people would want to come to the VM but then I started hearing a lot of negative remarks and started to get discouraged. But as Saturday night came around and the doors opened people came and there were 30 or more people were bought tickets at the door. The turn out for Sunday was good as well and the audience was good too. The show exceeded expectations and people really enjoyed the show. Here are some comments people shared with me although I don’t remember them word for word:

“ My boyfriend said I don’t have to shave down there, that it’s ok”. (Hair)

“ When my husband had an affair I did too and the man I was with liked my vagina. I had never really looked at mine but when I got home I did. He taught me how to masturbate too.” (Because he liked to look at it)

 

These moments made me really proud to be a part of this because it got women to reflect on their sexually and bodies. It got boyfriends to realize that their girlfriends are beautiful as is (if they hadn’t already). It got people talking. Which is a start if not the end goal of the Vagina Monologues. Even the negative comments are okay because people are STILL talking. People need to be open to all of these issues because when we continue to close them off it only perpetuates them and allows if it to continue undetected. We need men and women to be happy and healthy so that this world can grow and expand beyond our wildest dreams.

I’m not religious.

I don’t say things for everyone to hear, only for those I intend to tell.

I find it arousing when men eat ice cream.

I like plants.

I wish I could wear less clothes but society says…especially in Korea.

I speak my mind, not to hurt others but because I feel like it’ll hurt more if I don’t.

I don’t like feeling entitled or obligated.

I’m exclusive because my time (and yours) is precious and I shouldn’t have to spend it with those that I don’t like. 

People have said I put up a strong front and try to hide my emotions. This is not true, I am very extreme. When I’m angry, I’m VERY angry, when I’m happy, I’m off the wall, and so on.

I’m starting to realized what I like, want, and need, and if you don’t fall under that category then I apologize.

I like people but sometimes I don’t.

"Ever feel like an ugly person? I do. I’m not good. I’m not a good person."

A new life

My cousins Fito and Felicia just welcomed Lucia Rose into the world and I don’t know how to feel. I’m happy but can’t seem to feel the full emotions of a new life. I just don’t understand it. If I lost a child I would not be able to have another for awhile. I suppose we’re all different and it’s not to say that once you have a new child the other is forgotten but I just have mixed emotions. Maybe it has a lot to do with me being away and not seeing Felicia through the pregnancy but I’m just not feeling it. Then again, my aunts and other cousins haven’t seen Felicia or the new baby either and they are thrilled. I don’t know. In general I’ve become apathetic to things that should make me feel very emotional. Either way as long as my family as happy so am I. I miss them.

7 months in Korea, it gets better.

I’ve been in Korea for about 7 months now and I think I am starting to finally like it. I definitely like it more than I did 3 months ago. I’m making more friends but on the other hand the friends I had before are kind of more distant now. Guess it’s because we’re doing different things and live in different areas…oh well. Some things I’ve been up to:

Sinchang dong wine roulette mixer: Wednesday, March 28th 

I had everyone bring one bottle of wine and we all shared. Nabeela bought a white sangria with strawberry and kiwi inside. Nastassja and Birgit bought a dry red wine. Crystal bought a sweet red wine. Lina bought some sort of chardonnay. I bought a moscato. All dai sippin on moscato. Marie, the sweetheart, bought cheese, crackers, oranges, and bananas. Denny wasn’t drinking and Rudy was drinking beer. We drank and then we went on the chat roulette. We saw many a peni but we stopped and chatted with this one girl, Camille, from France. She was just chilling outside on the chat roulette. We also chatted with this one guy from Iowa I think, Shawn. He was collecting stories and Denny told an anticlimatic one about falling into a ditch. I told one of my poop stories. I have many. Overall, it was a good night. We got tipsy and didn’t stay up too late. My neighbor had the nerve to pound on the walls again so I went next door and rang the doorbell. No answer. I know Koreans are conflict avoidant but I’m not going to hurt you if you answer your door! I don’t respond well to rudeness. Overall, it was a great night and I will definitely be having more get together.

Being part of the Vagina Monologues has improved my self being so much. It has empowered me more than before. Before if men made rude remarks I would brush it off and not pay too much mind to it but now I’m putting a total stop to it. One of my friend constantly says crude things and we had a talk. He says he speaks this way because clearly girls want men who are assholes and I tell him that’s not true. We had a good talk and I think I got through to him. I just don’t want him talking like that because he thinks that’s how he will get a girl. That’s so not true! 

Friday March 30th

All day I was being recorded and interviewing my students. It went like this, “Hi, how are you?”…”I’m fine.” “What’s your name?” “My name is William”. “How old are you?”  ” I’m 9 years old.” ALL DAY! It was surprisingly tiring. But I was really proud of them. They are all so adorable and they work so hard as students. Sometimes I feel bad for them but then I remembered that it’s for the best. Something funny happened with one student William. I was doing the speaking test with him and used the wrong level with him. He was struggling and in my head I’m like, “He’s one of the best students! How is he messing up right now?!” Boss walks in, ” He’s in orange 3 not yellow 4.” Oops! Anyways, for not being exposed to the material he did pretty well. His interview would have been perfect thought had I used the right book! It was an easy day and Kakasper has to mark all of the tests cause I sure aint! I marked some but that’s only because I want to see how the kids are doing.

Friday night we went out to Soul Train and Mix and Bubbles. I wasn’t really in the mood to be out but it turned out to be a great night. I danced a ton. Met this hot Korean girl with a sleeve tatoo and short hair. She’s my new girl crush! She’s so nice too. I also made a Korean boyfriend. He was quite aggressive and kept wanting to make out, I was like whoa whoa. But he is like the Edwart Cullen of Korea. Tall, trippy hair and a collard shirt with like two buttons undone. He also bares a resemblance to the Native American dude from the Lying Games on ABC family. But I must resist because I refuse to succumb to the Yellow Fever.

Saturday March 31st

Woke up to a bright and sunny day. Decided I’d explore since the weather is good and go for a bike ride. Didn’t go too far because I made a pit stop at this field below this bridge. It’s right near a river too which is nice. People were riding bikes, playing baseball and running. I went to lie down and I was cloud gazing. It was cool how the clouds separated and then came together. Afterwards I went to the gym for a light work out. I just had a very relaxing day to myself. I hung out with Crystal and got some ice cream which is always nice.

Sunday April 1st

I’m NOT hungover. Glory days. I still get a lil nauseous but that’s normal for me. We go to our Vagina Monologues meeting and it went pretty well overall. We have an open mic night coming up so I’m pretty pumped for that. My second monologue is coming along good. I even did the “high pitched noise” and everyone said it was really good. After the meeting I hung out with James. It’s nice because we were just at his apt and chatting away. No need to be actually doing something and that’s what I like. That’s why I keep him around as a friend. He’ll make a nice partner for some lucky lady one day for sure. Overall, it was a nice weekend. This coming weekend is this Cherry Blossom festival so that should be lovely. 

mommy dearest

Today I found out that one of my students lost her mother this past Friday. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I felt like crying but I couldn’t. Death is still a weird concept to me. Although, I don’t think anyone can really come to terms with it. I selfishly reverted it to myself and wondered how I would feel if my mother died. I still didn’t cry. Then again, crying isn’t a way to prove if you’d be sad if someone died. I just think of how awful she is sometimes and how much I resent it. I wish this wasn’t so but I can’t help it. The more I look back on it the more annoyed I get. I have “moved on” from the past but it’s like that saying, ’ you can forgive but you can’t forget’. Although some things have been forgiven I still can’t forget and that totally influences my feelings towards my mother. I’m just trying to take it day by day and distance is always the best. I know that I can’t be with my mother for long periods of time. I will and have gone crazy because of it. It’s too much to always have to be the bigger person or watch what I say because I’m afraid she might get offended. It just sucks that I can’t have a real conversation with my mother without her getting upset or pushing me aside. Anyways, I realize that’s how she is and one day she’ll realize how she’s been and unfortunately by that time it’ll be too.

I’m NOT an idiot or am I?

I’m going to lay it all out on the table or most of it. Things that have been bothering from last week and this past weekend and hell even today. Maybe I’m to blame for it all. 

1. My ex-boyfriend was sleeping over. And yes, we have come to the conclusion that this is not a good idea because everytime he does I throw a fit. We don’t kiss or anything but in my mind we should be. Anyways, I was annoyed at him for the same reason, he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. I start to wonder if his ex has anything to do with it so I bring it up and he basically ends up saying, ‘Maybe I should be dating her’. I am to blame, I put it in his mind. I feel like there is some unfinished business. Anyways, we’re off to bed and while we were up I was playing with his phone and clicked on his texts. I know stupid and an invasion of privacy. I didn’t look much because he would catch on. But when he fell asleep I checked his texts with her and this is what I found. Her: Happy hearts day Him: blablahblah I shouldn’t have gone to see you blablahblah. I don’t know if he regrets going out with me but he definitely feels like he owes something to her. Maybe he wanted to be with her or maybe he felt bad for her. In either case I was crushed and instantly regretted reading his shit. I started crying and wanted someone to share my misery with so I started being loud. Mind you it was like 3 am and he woke up and asked if I was ok and I said, “I’m not an idiot” and well the conversation blossomed from there. He obviously has no idea but he said the right things but if he only knew what I did, what would he say then? The next morning was fine, we cuddled oddly enough considering after we broke up we barely touched eachother and all was…okay. I’m still skeptical and it bothers me but what can I do? He dated her for a long time and has his own feelings about it that I can’t control. So at this point, we’re just friends, no more sleepovers.

2. Friday me and my friend had the day off but he was home and I texted him to hang out and he said he was reading and then meeting up with blah and blah I was like so we should just hang but obviously he didn’t want to make the trip and said that I’d see him that night. Whatever. So I texted him saying let’s do something Saturday and he said he didn’t know, depended on how hungover he would be. I said what about the evening, he gave no real answer. THEN when we were out our friend bla asked if he wanted to catch a movie on Saturday and he said yes almost instantly. That stung and annoyed the shit out of me. Here I am trying to hang out with you and you’re giving me a hard time and then someone asks you randomly and you say yes? FUCK YOU.

3. I find out that this handsome boy I made out with is dating a Korean. Mind you, it was just one night and his personality is kind of bland but still it bothered me a little. Today, Monday, I find out who he’s dating. She’s gross. It’s so unrealistic. He’s not going to move here and she won’t move to the U.S. Or maybe she will cause all they want is U.S. citizenship. Anyways it’s lame. I hate them.

4. Some changes in the work place. We not have two private classes at night. Kakasper and I each take one. But Kakasper got the older one and the mom came in with their own materials and what she wanted her child to do. Kakasper got to meet the parent. I automatically think it’s because I’m colored that I was chosen for the other class. Kay (which is close to being changed to Kakay) said that parents prefer their younger children to have female teachers…Quite convenient. I don’t know, maybe it’s all in my head but I am very annoyed that I am stuff teaching younger kids, I want to do more than have them repeat and blah. Whatever maybe I’ll just be a super awesome teacher and get them to that point myself!

6 months

So, I’m 6 months pregnant, no one at home knows because well, they can’t see me! Just kidding, no way am I pregnant. But I have been in Korea for 6 months now! I know everyone says ‘it feels just like yesterday that I just arrived here” but it does. I still feel like I haven’t “arrived” here. I don’t hate the place but I’m not in love with it. I like teaching but not English, well maybe not young students. I need to teach more complex ideas or maybe even psychology. 

I haven’t gotten tired of the food yet here and I haven’t been dependent on the foreign food establishments here. I love me some tollsa bimibap, which is rice, red paste, cucumbers, lettuce, bean sprouts and an egg that is put a steaming hot bowl. I think in the past 3 weeks I’ve had it at least 4 times a week. It’s filling, good and cheap. About 4,000 won which is less than 4 bucks back home. I have been kind of slackin with the Korean cuisine but there really isn’t anything super special about it to begin with. I haven’t learned much Korean anyways. I hear it takes about an hour to learn the alphabet but for some reason I don’t care enough to learn it. I’m getting by with just picking up little things here and there. 

What else, I’ve made some friends here but I feel myself distancing myself because I know this will all end and it won’t be the same. I’ve been through that kind of thing before in Spain and it’s rough. Plus, I want to do things that other people are too lazy to do or aren’t interested. The only time I see these friends is out on the weekends. I wish we did more than just drink. It’s whatever. I went hiking this past Saturday with James and E.T. and it was nice. I think my liking James is fading and I’m starting to realize that he’s an idiot for not trying with me. I went out this Saturday and was just my usual single self. Met a guy that my friends met and we chatted and next thing you know we’re at Holic making out in front of a shit ton of people. Now, this isn’t the first time this has happened. I think I’m getting to a point in my life where I don’t want to be that girl at the club who is ravishing some guy on the dance floor. In my defense, he started it!

Teaching is good though, I’m good at it. I have a very authoritative. I’m strict but can have fun with my kiddos and I take the time to listen to their needs. You are probably reading this and going “duh” but not all teachers are as awesome as me. I love how the kids always feed me and give me treats from time to time. I especially love when I’m the only teacher that gets treats, I feel special. haha.

More on the health topic. I go to the gym about 4 times, maybe 5 times, a week which I think is good. I do the same routine because the gym is kind of a small aka a rip off but oh well. I also ride my bike everyday to and from work. I haven’t been anywhere else because it’s been quite chilly but once it starts warming up I’ll be all over the Gwangju. I need to get a helmet that fits me because the one I bought with the bike is too small…

What else, when my contract ends I definitely want to go traveling but I don’t know if I should go all around Asia or go to South America or just go home and get a part time job and save money. I think I would like to continue teaching abroad just not in Korea. And if it is in Korea maybe go to a different city. I still don’t feel like I’ve seen enough of Gwangju which is sad. I’ll make it a point to soon….

Overall, I’m okay. I miss my family but thank  goodness for pictures and facebook. As sad as it sounds but facebook is pretty dam awesome. 

I’m just excited to see where I’m off to after this whole thing is over…Where do you think I should go next?

lovequotesrus:

Photo Courtesy: awkweirdness