"Depression is horrible enough. But then you have people who “care” about you and say they know you when they don’t know shit. They only know themselves and their needs. I’m giving up. Slowly. I’m trying btu I don’t know how much long I can keep up this charade."

1. travel, read, write, watch tv/movies

2. pizza, vodka tonics, blue

3. I would donate it, travel, or combine those two and do service work. OR open up a boutique shop or bar

4. Memoirs of a Geisha, Blue Lagoon, Grey’s Anatomy

5. Lady Gaga! We’d go shopping, drinking and dancing! Or I’d be one of her back up dancers

6. tripe, sambuca, yellow

7. Travel and food

8. ones that cover my booty

9. The Alchemist was my least enjoyable book to read. As for movies I probably blocked it from my memory. As for tv shows, Mad Men, couldn’t get into it!

10. Freak the fuck out and cry. Then try to compose myself and try to chat and get a pic and become bf’s!!!

11. a water gun made out of bamboo

12. I start to talk and act like the people around me but I catch myself before it gets out of hand.

13. Telling myself I haven’t bettered myself when I have and I’m still trying.

14. a huge theatre for movies and karaoke, nice kitchen, bathroom with a shower and tub, sauna, swimming pool

15. polar bear or a panda because they’re cute and almost extinct.

16. Young the Giant

17.  Let’s change it to artist and I’d say Lady Gaga and all of her song minus the Christmas tree song!

18. She’s my favorite because her music is fun and relatable and she doesn’t give a fuck with the things that don’t really matter!

19. One of her concerts so far but I’m going to see her again in March!!!

20. I also like the Noisettes now that I think about it and the lyrics goes ’ we know we shouldn’t do it but we do it anyways, we know we might regret it but it seemed okay, damn these wild young hearts!’

21. What?

22. I have a Maroon 5 tee from like 2007. And a Lady Gaga tank I got April 27th, 2012

23. They’re good and famous.

24. Lady Gaga

25. Lady Gaga

This survey was nice until they asked like a thousand irrelevant questions. I think someone did tamper with the survey!

(Source: serenitymonkala, via dreamsarer3al)

Intervention

Sofia Grace

Today is November 19th, 2012 and Sofia would have been 3 years old today. Flashback to December 7th 2010 and on was probably the worst feeling I have ever felt. I hated that feeling but now I wish I could feel that pain again. People move on and I have but I feel guilty for doing so. For not feeling as sorrowful as I felt on December 7th. 

I often think of alternate universes and how things would have been if they hadn’t gone the way they did. It’s probably not healthy but why not? If Sofia would have survived the surgery she would have been 3 years old. But who knows what complications she could have had. Maybe she would be walking or maybe one side of her body would have been paralyzed. Maybe she’d be mentally fit or maybe she’d have some cognitive problems. And now I’m done thinking about alternate universes because in this one she’s not here anymore. That’s it.

I wonder what she’s doing now. I picture her floating and giggling in the clouds. I picture her surrounded by others who are looking after her. She’s frozen in time. Always remembered as a quiet and calm baby. Always ready to snuggle up against your neck. Her little tongue sticking out, so funny. Although her life was short, she has taught be so much. She has taught me to be more forgiving. To be more calm. And to not be scared of death. I never thought much about death before but now I find myself thinking about it often. I’m not afraid though but I do want to do as much as I can while I’m here. I will always love this lil baby.

I hope she is resting in peace <3

Taken for granted

So there’s this guy. Sorry I had to start it off that way. Anyways, this guy is something special. I can’t figure out why. Maybe it’s because he has this huge secret and I’m one of the few that knows about it. I guess it’s that whole thing of feeling confident in telling a stranger your darkest secret. I don’t care though. Everyone has their insecurities and I’m not some closed minded person that judges. Our friendship is weird. It’s always been me initiating everything. I guess that’s the type of person I am and that’s the type of person he is, but still. I don’t want to give up because I know that’s what he’s expecting and I know he wouldn’t do anything about it or care. So, I don’t know what’s worst: to keep trying (trying for what I have no idea) or to just let it go. 

Doesn’t matter. He says he doesn’t want to date and that makes me feel so ugly and uninteresting. We barely know each other though. He’s basing all of this on the few times we’ve hung out and the many times we’ve chatted online. He says we argue too much and to me that just doesn’t make any sense. You can’t get emotion or intonation through online chatting.

We hung out recently and it was good. We cuddled, snuggled, spooned, everything except anything. We were literally face to face, maybe an inch away and not one kiss. This is where I drew the line. I’ve initiated a lot but this time I was not about to give in and be the one to kiss first. I don’t know what it is with him but he says he doesn’t anything with me but how can you hold me, hold my hands and touch my body like that and not want anything? I know he’s insecure about a lot of things, as I am so maybe he’s feeling his way into this but I feel like there’s no time. I’m looking for jobs and if I don’t find anything I’ll go back to New York or I don’t know. I should just forget it. Take someone’s word for once and just listen and do. Not force the opposite. But I guess I’m such a hopeful believer and I believe that with enough effort and persistence a change can be made. The problem is when to figure which situations those are.

Well, all I know is that I should be focusing on myself right now. But if I keep on using that excuse I’ll always be alone and I don’t want that. But I deserve someone who makes an effort as well. I guess we’ll see.

There’s so much that has happened in Korea that I probably won’t get to in this post. Mostly because I get tired of writing after a while and ideas come to me but then I forget. What I learned the most is about friendship and what I want in a friend. I realized that I start off strong, I make good impressions but after a while it dies out. I either lose interest or start getting bitchy, needy, pushy, whatever. I become impatient when people don’t give me what I want right away. Also, I feel like I am very devoted so when someone isn’t in return it hurts. I also hate when I ask someone to hang out and they say they don’t know what they’re plans are yet. Are you fuckin kidding me? I’ve gotten to the point where it doesn’t hurt to drop people anymore. If you’re not cutting it for me you’re not worth my time. I’ve met a lot of people in Korea but there are a few that I consider really good friends. And that’s ok. I just can’t stand those that are always bragging about having all of these friends. Like how deep does your friendship go? Not very deep I presume. I also think that another good thing to do is to just slowly distance myself from those who are not good friends to me. I always confront them and have a talk and then guess what? They don’t do anything about. Which just pisses me off. Instead, I should just let it be. I’ve been doing pretty good. Letting people come to me. And well I don’t have high numbers it’s nice when people do show interest.

I don’t know but I think Korea has dulled me or made me stupid or something. I don’t have interest in much and hardly any motivation for anything. I find myself bored with people. I like to hang out with people but after a while I just want to be off on my own. What’s that all about? Am I becoming awkward or antisocial. I don’t know. Maybe I just need my space. But how much space is too much space?  But then when I do have my space I want company. I guess I don’t know what I want. I’m planning to go back to Korea simply because I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Or it’s that I do have an idea, maybe a pretty good idea but I’m too afraid to try because I’m afraid I’ll fail. So why not just play it safe and go back to Korea? More opportunities to travel too. I keep saying that like if that’s such a deal breaker.

I’ve started to notice more how obsessed everyone is about finding a mate. Like, is that what’s life’s all about? I guess I’m still young in that sense where I find friendships more important than relationships. Maybe I should jump on the bandwagon and find me a boyfriend. But I feel myself getting more awkward with men. I don’t have a problem with getting them into bed but to get them on a deeper level is intimidating. What do I like? What are my interests? And will I find someone who likes those same things? I need to hone into something. I need to find a passion. I say dance but I’ve gotten really lazy about it. I dance when I go out but I’d like to dance with others. Last night, my aunt took me to a salsa social and I left within 15 minutes. I could blame it on the jet lag or just the fact that I was into it. But I love dance. I feel like I’ve gotten more insecure. It could just be a huge combination of things. I also think that around my doctor aunt I feel kind of lame. She’s a doctor and so successful and what am I? I feel intimidated around her. I also don’t want to look like a loser when she looks down upon a lot of our family members. I feel that extra pressure to be amazing (even though I’m nothing close to it) because everyone else is so ordinary. I need to build up my confidence again. I don’t know where it went…

Back to interests, maybe it’s because I don’t have the money to pursue any of it. I love fashion but best believe I cannot afford to be buying the new trends all the time. And dance class would cost money too. But dancing is also free. I wanted to start a dance group back in Korea but all the people who were interested just wanted to learn. I just wanted to dance. 

I just friended the man that I loved. He has a son now. It’s completely over. I’m STILL hung up on it. We never even dated. 

My mother is crazy. 

1 year

I’ve been in Korea for one year now and it’s gotten to me. Maybe I’m frustrated with something else but something got to me. In class, these students who are always misbehaving were just too much. This time, I was so angry I cried. Like I said, maybe it was them being disrespectful or my anxiety for going home but I just had a mini breakdown…in front of a class of 12 students. I just think that at my old school nothing like this would happen. Or even if the students acted that way I wouldn’t mind as much because they were mine but these students are still ‘new’ and I have zero tolerance for them. Anyways, I composed myself and carried on. The students were probably like ‘what the hell!?” But I honestly could careless. At arounf 4:30 pm I stopped giving a fuck. It’s funny how I can bring it to the time and everything of when it happened.

Anyways, I’ve been thinking about a lot of things. About going to Japan with Philippe. Going home. What to do next? Do I try to come back to Korea because it’s easy and I can travel more or do I try to get a job back home where I can really get started on my ‘life’? I’m at a lost. Honestly, going back home terrifies me. I’m afraid I won’t earn enough for cost of living and to manage my debt. But I mean, I will have to go home eventually… I’m putting my feelers out there for everything or at least trying to.

Something else that’s been bothering me most recently are, yes again, my friends. Now, I think I’ve grown a lot in this past year and I’m not as immature or naggy (at least I think so!) But I just feel like everyone I know it caught up in their own shit. Which is totally fine but I just feel like when I talk to my friends it’s about them and when I try to bring up my ‘life’ I feel selfish for doing so. I don’t know. Like my friends back home for example; I think I have done a pretty good job in keeping contact with them but once I stopped, they stopped. Like I said, I know they have their own shit to worry about but how long does a message or email take to write and send? I just feel really lonely. And I feel like no one truly cares about me. I’ve felt this way since I was young. I remember. And my family would just brush it off and say I just want attention. Yep, they got it. I do! I’m not asking for anyone to be on me 24/7 but I just want people to sincerely ask me, “How are you?” “How are you doing?” and hear me out. I don’t think it’s too much to ask. Being in Korea I feel I’m neither here nor there. In Korea people make friends so fast and forget about them even a. And since I’m here people back home don’t even bother. I mean, why would they…I’m here. Right?

And I think what really bothers me the most is my ‘mother’. I put it that way because, well, I don’t really see her as such. I don’t know what to see her as. I am the one who is always contacting her whether it’s through email or skype. I know making long distance calls are expensive but she could buy a calling card…I have a number here. She could email me but she only does so when I initiate it. And when she replies it’s like ‘oh I mis you’ blah blah blah. Such crap! And I play along because I know she’s not well and I’d rather just fake it then say and show what I really want to. I just don’t think she’s sincere about it. Maybe she’s faking it too because maybe she knows or thinks I’m not well. Cause I’m not. But do you think she asks me ” How I’m doing?” Like really ask and care to know the answer? No. She knows I’ve been to the hospital a couple times while in Korea but has she asked me about my health? No. And it’s always about her when we talk. I’ll bring something up and she’ll immediately relate back to her. I try to give her the benefit of the doubt by thinking she’s trying to relate but I don’t see it that way. I don’t know. I feel so emotionally detached from her it makes me more miserable. 

I think about death more often. Ever since Sofia passed away. I think about my grandparents dying. As if I’m preparing myself for it. I hate myself for having these thoughts but I do. I get so sad and miserable thinking about it because I love them so much. Sometimes, my mind wonders and I think about if my mother were to die. I don’t get as sad. That’s wrong. I know it is. But I just don’t think it’d have such an effect on me. And I know I’m writing this and making it public but hell, when has she ever had a real interest in me?

That’s another thing I think about. She doesn’t even know me. There’s so much of me she doesn’t know. Because she never asks. I know it’d be impossible for her to ask me every possible thing but simple things (back when I was in college) like “what courses are you taking”? ” What do your grades look like”? None of that. Anyways, I’ve realized it’s just easier to go along with it and act like everything is ok. I mean I’ve tried telling how I feel and she doesn’t understand. But one day I will be completely gone from her life and maybe then she will realize what kind of mother she hasn’t been.

New beginnings…for just a month

I started working at a new school for just a month. It’s so much more hectic than my other school. There are about 12 kids in each class compared to the 7 I was used to (on average). I only have older kids which you would think would be a lot easier to manage or more enjoyable to teach but it’s not. They all think they’re hot shit and don’t talk. At least with the younger kids they respect more and want to learn. Anyways, I miss my students and it sucks that I have to teach these kids now. That it sucks but I wish I could have stayed with mine until I left. Well I guess the time had to come for me to leave them but it was just so abrupt and the last week I had with them were ruined by how angry and anxious I was. 

Now, the problem is getting my July’s paycheck. I know I will get it but I want it now just so that I can feel more settled. I heard the bus drivers got paid so what the hell? This Friday we shall see, if not I’m going to the labor office to get what’s mine!

On top of this I have a Japan to plan. I’m not excited for it at all. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know if it’s the fact that all of this drama is ruining my mood or that fact that Japan is SO expensive or the fact that I will be with a friend who hasn’t treated me as a friend in the past. I hope this time around he shows me respect. I think I will have to tell him to watch his words and to not offend me. I think I’m kind of dreading being with him there… I don’t know what it is. Another thing too is that I’m almost finished here in Korea, then I go to Japan and then I go home. But what do I do next? Do I come back to Korea so I can teach, make some decent money and travel? Or do I go home and start my life? If I came back to Korea would it be after the New Year? I’ve been thinking and I’ve already spent one miserable birthday here, do I want to spend another? I’d rather celebrate my youth in Boston or New York not Korea…But if I came back in January I’d have to do all of my paperwork again which is such a process. I should decide soon though…

HULL

It happens or is happening. My school went bankrupt ( YOU and I). Before coming to Korea I researched all of the things that could go wrong and this was one of them. I was prepared, I knew the possibilities. I spoke with my recruiter and he assured me that this is a reputable school and that it wouldn’t happen. But it did. I was supposed to finish at the end of August but that was cut short and we finish tomorrow (Friday, July 27th). My boss said he didn’t want us to work in August and then not be able to pay us for that month. Makes sense. What I’m so pissed off about is that he basically gave us one week to find a new apartment and figure our shit out. He should have given us a notice a month in advance, if not more. So basically all I get is July’s paycheck, a flight home (which I’m partially paying for with my housing deposit) and my pension (which I have to apply for a month before I leave, plane ticket in hand). 

I cried a lot. I cried for my students, my boss and obviously for myself. I had everything planned out. I would work til Sept 12th, go to Seoul, go to Japan, come back and leave. Well, not it’s a little more complicated than that. I will apply for a D10 visa which will allow me to ‘look for a job’ for 6 months. It’s good because if I do find a job I could then change it to an E2 visa. I don’t intend to stay longer, I just need to stay til I leave for Japan. Anyways, once I get that I’m ok to stay in Korea which is one pressure off me. But now there’s the housing. I could stay in my apt and pay 300k won/month or hop around and save there. Another problem is not having an income. Hopefully that gets sorted out soon. There are a lot of part time jobs here and there so hopefully I can find something. I hate being sure of myself now because when I do that it just leads to disappointment. Read the following:

1. As soon as I found out I run to a hagwon one of my friends partially owns and one of my friends works at. I tell him the situation and he says right away ‘Work here, you don’t have to worry”. I guess the only thing I can thank him for is for being so willing to help and for giving me a peace of mind for a week because he just told me it’s not going to work out. Reason being: I wanted to go to immigration and transfer employers AND because I typed out a contract. This to me is a little unsettling but I can’t help but understand. Why would they want to go through the hassle when I would only be working there for a month? Well, then I told them what if I just worked there under the table and he said that they already have enough teachers anyways. Basically, I don’t have a temp job anymore but I’m still searching for one.

2. Then there is ECC which is shit. My boss supposedly made a deal with them for me to work there for 6 months and they would pay for my plane ticket home. Well, I met with the director and she said she would get back to me. The next day comes along and I don’t hear a word from her. Then I show up at ECC and she says ’ Oh you didn’t get my text?” Obviously not.t The text basically said for me to take the other job I had mentioned before. But then I told her I had a change of heart and I would like to work there for a year. h that I would work one Saturday a month since I would be going to Japan for 10 days in the middle of the contract when there isn’t any vacation. This all seemed well to her and she said she would talk to the “chairman”. I love how they use such official words. Anyways, we settled on meeting the next day in the afternoon. She calls me in the afternoon and asks to meet at 6:30 pm. Six thirty rolls around and she’s not at ECC…She calls and says she’ll meet me at my school around 6:45 or so. I’m there, she doesn’t show. I call, no answer. I’m going home. I didn’t even want to stay longer in Korea so at this point she helped me make up my mind. The only reason why I was going to stay was because of my visa and leaving and I don’t really know why. I found out a way to stay without needing a contract and it’s basically to remove my E2 visa which I’m ok with. 

Many of my students are going to ECC and that is probably why I considered working there but honestly walking in there felt kind of hellish. And I’ve met some of the people working there and that makes me very turned off. I have a few friends working there now but they wouldn’t be when I started so eff that. 

So, to put my situation in short. I’m leaving end of September. I’m kind of homeless(going to try and stay in this apt for as long as I can), jobless (looking), out a pretty penny. BUT I’m ok now because I know what I’m doing. Not knowing pisses and stresses me off the most. My main thing was going to Japan. I’ve had this planned for so long and it’s one of the reasons why I came to Korea, to travel. So if I canceled that then my stay here would have been for nothing. Granted, I have experienced a lot here in Korea but what’s making it worth while is the traveling. 

Well, that’s that. My time with my kids was cut short by a month but the time had time had to come I guess. I’m ok, for the moment. Still have a lot of planning to do but now I know what steps I need to take. I think. Maybe. Sort of.

***Sorry for the typos, I dun giva shit***

Life is happening to me and I don’t hate it.

I’m realizing so many things about myself and other people. For one, if people want to hang out with you they will make the effort. I have taken a more passive approach and have not texted or messaged any of my “friends” that don’t do the same. It’s not that I am not willing to put in effort it’s just that I always put in the effort so this time I’m taking it easy. I think for me I expect too much from people. I expect them to contact me everyday when realistically they have their own shit to deal with. I’m everyone else knows that but for I wonder why they haven’t texted/messaged me in two days or something. I don’t know maybe I’m thinking about it too much and I’m just going to wait for people to invite me to places. I’m always trying to organize shit and for the most part it happens but I need to save money and focus on me.

Something else I’ve noticed is that when it comes to men, women will most likely choose them over their friends or at least want to spend more time with their men. I have never understood this. Maybe I haven’t found anyone who I’m “head over heels for”. It’s just so wrong to me but I guess that’s how it is when we get older. We need to focus on finding a partner, starting a family. That sort of shit. Anyways, I’m understanding now and starting to not give a shit. I’m not angry just struggling to understand because I really want to.

On a more positive note, this past weekend I went to Wando beach. It was pretty chill. I didn’t know most of the people but that was okay. I played a lot of volleyball which was nice. I wasn’t as good as in high school. But when I think about it, was I even good in high school? Anyways, I think that’s the only sport I actually enjoy. Maybe basketball too. We drank, ate, danced. At one point there was a little concert going on and we invaded it. It was pretty hilarious. The band was made up of middle aged men and the audience young ladies. After I went back to the area we were staying and this guy Randall toe attacked me. Me, him, and this other guy Hamish started to toe attack eachother. It was so funny and awkward but the next day I had so many bruises on my legs. I must practice and get Randall back. That shit hurt but of course I kept trying instead of realizing I was losing. Towards the end of the night everyone gathered by the fire and Julia played the guitar and I sang. We sang a lot of lady gaga songs which was nice. I did so many things that I really enjoyed. I went to sleep around 3 am which was shocking. I was pretty sure we would all stay up til the sun rose which would have been lovely.

The next day I was well hungover and got sick plenty of times which is so annoying. I honestly don’t think I drank that much. I’m so over being hungover everytime! Can there be a time where I’m not hungover? Anyways, all we day the next day was sun bath and swim. It was pretty sweet. I didn’t want to leave but we left around 4 and got back to Gwangju around 7 so it wasn’t too bad. I got a nice little tan and a little red too. I never get red. Overall, it was a pleasant weekend and I’m looking forward to this weekend in Busan. More sun, more tanning to be done!